Am back , it been a minute, been away being having conversations and will share some of them. People out here need you too.
She says this :
As I wake up every other morning, am reminded that I need to thank God to be alive. They say that life is a gift and I guess it is. And the politically correct thing to do is to go along with the masses and say – yaap it is a good day in deed.
But is it? Really, I ask myself over and over again …
What is good about this day?
Being alive and healthy?
Do I have food to feed my children?
Do I need to hang onto this my philandering?
But wait – that cannot be my husband, mine is home with me at least for now – well before the phone call and he is off – a few days and back – swinging to local music tunes.
Let me stop demonizing him at least I can still see he is around – when I see him.
What has become of my life of late?
What or who has taken the joy from me?
Why can’t I smile from my belly like I used to but just my face for now?
Why is it that food has not taste anymore – I used to like mtumbo ( tripe) fried in hot sauce and cornpaste ( ugali) – now they taste like the stuff they hold before washing?
Why is this feeling so not like me?
It is very easy to blame the current covid pandemic since it is such a great excuse.
I have lost my source of regular income and the little that is coming is barely it.
I remember when at the end of the month, I had more money for the month while now its vise versa.
I remember when my side hustle was a great source of supplementary income – yes I did. It catered for the mischievous expenses and have a little left to spare.
Oh did I mention that the savings have dwindled and to think I had planned well for the future –
Opps looks like the future has come a bit too soon.
I had a plan – lots of things to do, but it is not even the funds – the air, the aura, the feel is just so not what I want.
I loved to hug – (get you mind off the gutter), we are humans and this is a normal process for people who have some connection.
I cannot remember the last time I was hugged or hugged someone?
This face mask wearing business does not allow for the exchange of warm kisses from a lover to another.
Gosh I miss going out to just dance my chubby self to old school music.
Then I chose to share with a you my friend and this is what you tell me.
You get over yourself – you are not the only one with issues!
This is a global pandemic – get off your behind and move on
Can you sort your finances ASAP – there is not time to get all pity party for you
You are a grown-up – get over it. I hear this a lot from you – and you think you are helping me ?
So you want us to do what with you?
You mean you did not make better investments ? Chic you are on your own
Ooh come on, you are a strong woman, harden yourself (makes me wonder if I am wet cement !!)
Other people are in worse situations that you so please – give us a break
You are not the first or the last – life must go on.
You think your hubby is yours alone – please learn to share – this is a small world.
As I go through such responses from you, I am reminded.
It is okay not to be okay.
It is fine to feel the pain and the hurt inside.
It is okay to be anxious for a while.
It is okay to want to cry and scream.
It is okay to want not to wake up every other day.
It is okay for me not to pick up your calls – I really don’t have to.
It is okay not to always have strength every day.
It is okay to question many things.
It is okay not to get all the answers you seek
It is okay to feel blank and numb once in a while.
It is okay to know that you have no regular source of income – at least for a while.
It is okay to just sit and stare at the river flowing and the water running as you put your feet inside ( please note just the feet and at the shallow end of the river ).
It is okay to refuse to act grown up. Yes it is okay.
BUT WAIT – not for long
What is long – too long – according to who?
How well do I know myself to know this is long enough?
To know it is time to wake up and dust myself then move on.
What is my mind telling me about it?
Can I find a glimmer of hope somewhere?
Where is the olive branch?
Where is the silver lining I hear people speak about?
You will not dwell in this state of being okay with not being okay .
But remember, it is okay not to be okay …
So are you now okay ?